The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
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