Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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