I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Randomize
