So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
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