I saw his package. It spoke to me.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
