he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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