when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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