Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Randomize
