Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
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