Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Randomize
