the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
