I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
