You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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