Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Randomize
