The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
