She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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