i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I think a kid would responsible me up
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Randomize
