non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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