It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I need moral support for this bender
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Randomize
