No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
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