she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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