I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
