so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Randomize
