the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Randomize
