a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
You need a sexual gate keeper
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
