He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
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