The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
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