It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize
