We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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