He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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