My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
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I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
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