I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
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I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
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well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
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