no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
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