i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
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