Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
