well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
