You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
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