im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
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Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
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