I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
