Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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