I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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