trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
