On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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