Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Randomize
