I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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