The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Randomize
