stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
