I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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