Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Randomize
