1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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