How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
