I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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