I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
