im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize
