do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
