She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Randomize
