I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
