It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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