my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
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